In 1994, when I was 11 years old, my Mom picked my brother and I up from a friend’s house to go home. Except on the way home, something didn’t feel quite right. She says that we are going to a new home: that she is leaving Dad. Having grown up in a Christian home, my brother and I couldn’t understand how Christian parents were going to divorce.
There was lots of crying alone in my room every day after school for many, many months. I cried so much that my white bear’s face turned brown with the salt from my tears.
In the years afterwards my Dad, in his great pain, withdrew emotionally from my brother and I as well.
I felt very alone, abandoned and rejected. Because of feeling abandoned and rejected, I developed a Rejected Locked Heart along with a core belief that I was not worthy of being loved. I could not accept love.
Looking for love in the all wrong places and in all the wrong ways, I married at the beginning of my senior year in high school, to the first guy who said he loved me. The relationship was not good and had many abusive aspects. Four long, lonely and painful years later we were divorced.
During my previous marriage and other relationships with men (still looking for love in all the wrong places), my core belief that I was not worthy of being loved deepened and feelings of abandonment haunted me almost daily. I rarely shared these feelings with anyone.
I came to know Christ as my Savior when I was 23 and turned my life around. I stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. I knew, intellectually, that Jesus loved me and that He died for me, and I believed that with all my heart, but I didn’t understand it. I just couldn’t get how He could love me like that. Even though I turned over pain from relationships over to the Lord and sought forgiveness, it never occurred to me to turn over the pain from my parents’ divorce to Him. I had a core belief that I would just always have that pain to live with. I didn’t talk about it – not to anyone. What was the point? It was there to stay.
In 2006, I met Mike, my husband. Mike and I started courting in 2007 and I felt unconditional love from Mike. Mike loved me so much that we waited to make love until we were married – he thought I was worth waiting for. Even after we were married, I could not fathom how he could love me like he did. I just didn’t get it; I couldn’t understand it.
In 2009, when Sophie was 2 months old, I got pregnant with Edward. Mike was not ready for another baby so soon and he didn’t want Edward. He had little to do with the pregnancy, or even me or Sophie for the entire pregnancy. I felt very alone, very abandoned and very rejected and spent many nights crying into the night as I rocked Sophie to sleep. I wondered what I would do with a newborn child and a 12 month old and how I would do it alone. I closed myself off to Mike and we hardly spoke for many months. My depression was so great that I contemplated suicide.
This was not the first time I had been severely depressed. I had been severely depressed at several other times in my life since I was an early teenager. I had even been hospitalized once my depression was so great.
After Edward was born, things got a little better. Mike became involved in our lives again and things were going pretty well. We moved here to Kirtland and Mike went on a 2.5 month TDY. Not too long after he got back, we unexpectedly got pregnant again.
Mike was excited about this third child I was carrying, but I was not. Because I was afraid of being abandoned again, my heart started to close and I became severely depressed. I couldn’t feel anything except deep pain. I didn’t feel anything for Mike, I didn’t feel anything for the kids and most days were spent on the floor crying, trying to hide from the kids and avoiding everyone. My heart was starting to lock towards being able to give love.
On March 12th, Mike and I left for Restoration Ministries in Nebraska. I told everyone it was a marriage retreat, but it was really 5 days of intensive counseling for just the two of us. Driving there, I was very skeptical about what could change in that amount of time. I had been in and out of counseling for over ten years collectively. I had stopped talking about the pain I carried around from my parents’ divorce because it had been 17 years and let’s face: I needed to move on already. I talked about other problems I had instead.
The very first day we met with Roger Daum at Restoration Ministries, we talked a bit about our childhood history. After I briefly mentioned that my parents were divorced, Roger had me & Mike face each other and hold hands and look into each other’s eyes and he started asking some questions that no one had ever asked before: What did that feel like? Did I feel like I was emotionally still that 11 year old girl crying into her bear, alone in her room? Had Mike ever made me emotionally feel like I was that abandoned, rejected, little girl, all alone? Suddenly that 11 year old girl came out of me and sobs racked my body as Mike held me in his arms with tears in his eyes as all that pain from 17 years ago came flooding back.
Then Roger had Mike lead me in a prayer to Jesus. I asked Jesus “Were you there when I was that little girl, all alone, crying in my room?” And Jesus gave me a picture in my mind of a time when I was sitting on my bedroom floor, crying into my bear, and He was there, right beside, crying with me because I was in pain.
“What do You want to do with that little girl, Jesus?” Jesus gave me a picture of taking me into his arms when I was there in my room and just holding me and loving me like I needed to be held and loved.
“Jesus, how do I know you love me? How much do you love me?” And Jesus, still holding me crying in His arms, looked at me in the face and then lifted an arm and swept it to the side, showing me the cross behind and slightly to the side of Him. And for the first time ever, I realized how much Jesus loved me – He died on that cross for me. That He really did love me. That He was there with me all those times I was alone and crying.
“Jesus, will you take my pain that I have been carrying all these years?” Jesus would take my pain, He didn’t want me to carry it anymore.
“Jesus, what will you do with my pain?” Jesus gave me an image of throwing the blackness of that pain far away from me, never to return.
“Jesus, was there a demonic oppression of depression that attached to me at that time?” And a picture of a dark, eel-like monster in a cloud of black came to my mind and I was shown that there was. “Jesus, will you take that demonic oppression from me? What will you do with it?” Jesus showed me that He wanted to take that oppression that come in the form of my depression and fling it far away into the sea, never to return. And I felt my depression leaving me – depression that followed me for many, many years.
Roger asked Mike if Mike wanted to ask forgiveness for anything, and Mike asked if I would forgive him for how he acted during Edward’s pregnancy, for causing me to feel alone and abandoned and rejected. And I just clung to Mike and cried and said that I forgave him.
And suddenly the tears stopped, and I looked up into Mike’s eyes, and I felt free. I felt light. The heaviness and weariness of the pain that I had carried for 17 long years was gone. The pain from Mike’s rejection of Edward was gone.
Roger had Mike take me to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I was glowing like a radiant bride! I was loved! By Jesus! And by Mike! How great life was and is and is to be! How great is our God who loves us so much that He died for us! That He took our sin, and takes our pain and just loves us! Hallelujah!
There was lots of crying alone in my room every day after school for many, many months. I cried so much that my white bear’s face turned brown with the salt from my tears.
In the years afterwards my Dad, in his great pain, withdrew emotionally from my brother and I as well.
I felt very alone, abandoned and rejected. Because of feeling abandoned and rejected, I developed a Rejected Locked Heart along with a core belief that I was not worthy of being loved. I could not accept love.
Looking for love in the all wrong places and in all the wrong ways, I married at the beginning of my senior year in high school, to the first guy who said he loved me. The relationship was not good and had many abusive aspects. Four long, lonely and painful years later we were divorced.
During my previous marriage and other relationships with men (still looking for love in all the wrong places), my core belief that I was not worthy of being loved deepened and feelings of abandonment haunted me almost daily. I rarely shared these feelings with anyone.
I came to know Christ as my Savior when I was 23 and turned my life around. I stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. I knew, intellectually, that Jesus loved me and that He died for me, and I believed that with all my heart, but I didn’t understand it. I just couldn’t get how He could love me like that. Even though I turned over pain from relationships over to the Lord and sought forgiveness, it never occurred to me to turn over the pain from my parents’ divorce to Him. I had a core belief that I would just always have that pain to live with. I didn’t talk about it – not to anyone. What was the point? It was there to stay.
In 2006, I met Mike, my husband. Mike and I started courting in 2007 and I felt unconditional love from Mike. Mike loved me so much that we waited to make love until we were married – he thought I was worth waiting for. Even after we were married, I could not fathom how he could love me like he did. I just didn’t get it; I couldn’t understand it.
In 2009, when Sophie was 2 months old, I got pregnant with Edward. Mike was not ready for another baby so soon and he didn’t want Edward. He had little to do with the pregnancy, or even me or Sophie for the entire pregnancy. I felt very alone, very abandoned and very rejected and spent many nights crying into the night as I rocked Sophie to sleep. I wondered what I would do with a newborn child and a 12 month old and how I would do it alone. I closed myself off to Mike and we hardly spoke for many months. My depression was so great that I contemplated suicide.
This was not the first time I had been severely depressed. I had been severely depressed at several other times in my life since I was an early teenager. I had even been hospitalized once my depression was so great.
After Edward was born, things got a little better. Mike became involved in our lives again and things were going pretty well. We moved here to Kirtland and Mike went on a 2.5 month TDY. Not too long after he got back, we unexpectedly got pregnant again.
Mike was excited about this third child I was carrying, but I was not. Because I was afraid of being abandoned again, my heart started to close and I became severely depressed. I couldn’t feel anything except deep pain. I didn’t feel anything for Mike, I didn’t feel anything for the kids and most days were spent on the floor crying, trying to hide from the kids and avoiding everyone. My heart was starting to lock towards being able to give love.
On March 12th, Mike and I left for Restoration Ministries in Nebraska. I told everyone it was a marriage retreat, but it was really 5 days of intensive counseling for just the two of us. Driving there, I was very skeptical about what could change in that amount of time. I had been in and out of counseling for over ten years collectively. I had stopped talking about the pain I carried around from my parents’ divorce because it had been 17 years and let’s face: I needed to move on already. I talked about other problems I had instead.
The very first day we met with Roger Daum at Restoration Ministries, we talked a bit about our childhood history. After I briefly mentioned that my parents were divorced, Roger had me & Mike face each other and hold hands and look into each other’s eyes and he started asking some questions that no one had ever asked before: What did that feel like? Did I feel like I was emotionally still that 11 year old girl crying into her bear, alone in her room? Had Mike ever made me emotionally feel like I was that abandoned, rejected, little girl, all alone? Suddenly that 11 year old girl came out of me and sobs racked my body as Mike held me in his arms with tears in his eyes as all that pain from 17 years ago came flooding back.
Then Roger had Mike lead me in a prayer to Jesus. I asked Jesus “Were you there when I was that little girl, all alone, crying in my room?” And Jesus gave me a picture in my mind of a time when I was sitting on my bedroom floor, crying into my bear, and He was there, right beside, crying with me because I was in pain.
“What do You want to do with that little girl, Jesus?” Jesus gave me a picture of taking me into his arms when I was there in my room and just holding me and loving me like I needed to be held and loved.
“Jesus, how do I know you love me? How much do you love me?” And Jesus, still holding me crying in His arms, looked at me in the face and then lifted an arm and swept it to the side, showing me the cross behind and slightly to the side of Him. And for the first time ever, I realized how much Jesus loved me – He died on that cross for me. That He really did love me. That He was there with me all those times I was alone and crying.
“Jesus, will you take my pain that I have been carrying all these years?” Jesus would take my pain, He didn’t want me to carry it anymore.
“Jesus, what will you do with my pain?” Jesus gave me an image of throwing the blackness of that pain far away from me, never to return.
“Jesus, was there a demonic oppression of depression that attached to me at that time?” And a picture of a dark, eel-like monster in a cloud of black came to my mind and I was shown that there was. “Jesus, will you take that demonic oppression from me? What will you do with it?” Jesus showed me that He wanted to take that oppression that come in the form of my depression and fling it far away into the sea, never to return. And I felt my depression leaving me – depression that followed me for many, many years.
Roger asked Mike if Mike wanted to ask forgiveness for anything, and Mike asked if I would forgive him for how he acted during Edward’s pregnancy, for causing me to feel alone and abandoned and rejected. And I just clung to Mike and cried and said that I forgave him.
And suddenly the tears stopped, and I looked up into Mike’s eyes, and I felt free. I felt light. The heaviness and weariness of the pain that I had carried for 17 long years was gone. The pain from Mike’s rejection of Edward was gone.
Roger had Mike take me to the bathroom and look in the mirror. I was glowing like a radiant bride! I was loved! By Jesus! And by Mike! How great life was and is and is to be! How great is our God who loves us so much that He died for us! That He took our sin, and takes our pain and just loves us! Hallelujah!